I believe everyone wants emotional intimacy. Ladies are always reading – watching or asking about it. Guys seem to avoid it at all costs…but deep down it’s what we all want, and fear.
As parents, we need to remember it’s what our kids want too.
GETTY Images – source
But emotional intimacy is a slow process, you can’t rush through or fake it. Intimacy takes time and lots of risk. I wanted to describe intimacy, to try to define it… looked at several definitions but this was the best one I could discover. freedictionary.com says intimate means;
1. Marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.
2. Relating to or indicative of one’s deepest nature: intimate prayers.
3. Essential; innermost: the intimate structure of matter
To truly get close you have to be close, in proximity. Nearby. – obvious I know, but for parents, this can be a huge challenge. Our days are way full – overflowing with demands, duties and deadlines. We have to carve out – protect our personal time and invest it wisely. Spending time in the same room, looking at and sharing a meaningful conversation is a MUST for any relationship to become intimate.
To relate with someone, to begin to grasp what makes them “tick” is a huge part of becoming intimately familiar. That takes some life experience to grow. In Christian terms… this means suffering through the hard times together
. It means watching and learning and appreciating the good and bad traits of our spouses, kids and friends. It’s in the suffering we get to see the “real” stuff come to the surface. We see what drives someone – what scares them and what makes them mad.
The essential part of someone is their “heart“. Not the beating muscle that moves our blood from the lungs to our cells and back, but the metaphysical part of us that contains our desires, dreams and despair. The passion and ethos of life, stretching from the highest of highs to the darkest low. Knowing someone’s heart is at the center of understanding them. Of beginning to predict their reactions to life extremes. From the saddest moments to euphoric joy, when we know a person’s heart, we can accurately judge what they will do next.
Our kids need us to know them and be known by them. They want to trust and to love and to always be honest with us… it’s our “reactions” that drive us apart. As our kids age and grow, they form opinions and ideas. Often those are contrary to our own and in moments of discovery and desperation, we parents often blow up or vent so intensely as to train our fledgling adult children to never-ever tell us the “whole” truth again. Not a good thing, and something I am too often guilty of.
We can get so caught up in being a ‘good’ parent, that we forget the goal isn’t to clone our kids…but to prepare them to live their lives well. To teach them to trust and turn to God when things get out of control. Part of that modeling process is to let our kids in. To see our hearts, to feel our pain and to share in our joy.
It’s a risk to trust them with our fears and failures, but in the end… it’s only in being intimate that we can connect the dots from our faith to our families. Paul describes his intimate relationship with God this way in Philippians 1:28-29 (Message Bible) “There’s far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There’s also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting.”
Suffering always leads to deeper intimacy. So the next time life throws you a tragic curve ball… look at it as a another step deeper into an intimate understanding of yourself, your family and your God. A beautiful truth for hard times.
Peace out, Pastor. B.