5 Essentials for Modern Parenting

 

5 Essential Issues for Today’s Christian Parent!

As summarized from the Brilliantly Brave Parenting Podcast series:

Parenting is hard work and it requires effort and conviction to do well! Sometimes it feels like the odds are stacked against us. We’re here to bring hope and practical advice to the challenges of faith-based parenting. Brilliantly Brave Parenting wants to be a fun and encouraging resource for today’s Christian family!

Here are FIVE essentials of parenting to consider:

#1 Fighting Futureshock: Today’s generation of parents currently active & engaged with the church is struggling with more than a simple ‘generation gap.’ We are struggling with ‘Futureshock.“ Which means, “a displacement of reality in which life is only focused on the present, and constantly being redefined by the moment. This lack of stability and constancy creates a state of constant flux for parents.”

Clearly as parents in a shifting moral landscape we are going to need to anchor ourselves and our kids to something ‘greater’ than ourselves.

The traditions of the faith provide a powerful resource for parents and pastors to utilize. Disciplines of devotion offer a way for us to be reminded of the truth of our biblical heritage. The constant remembrance of how BIG GOD is, and how the values of our world do not match with the values of scripture.

https://soundcloud.com/brilliantlybrave/ep57-bishop-dan-scott – Find out more  Listen to our FREE Podcast Link

 #2. Self-Care is ESSENTIAL:

When was the last time you invested in yourself as a parent or pastor?

Parenting is exhausting, the idea that we can just persevere through it is a bit naive. We need to rest. We need to recharge and refocus. As parents we can’t give what we don’t have. Our modeling and ability to teach our kids will be profoundly impacted by the energy we have to give them.

Self-Care requires healthy habits, resting well at night, making space in our schedules to spend time with our families, and watching our diet and exercise. That also means saying ‘no’ to outside things so that we are sure that we’re involved with our kids. We can’t offer what we don’t have.

Jesus modeled this idea when he would retreat from the crowds and the disciples to go apart and pray. He would withdraw to the mountains as often as he could, knowing the essential nature of rest and refreshment spiritually, physically, and emotionally. We are no different.

Podcast Link: https://soundcloud.com/brilliantlybrave/reality-with-teens-ep44-paige-clingenpeel

#3 Heritage of Faith

God calls parents to do amazing things with their lives! We can’t put Him in a small box, His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts… the path God leads is often overwhelmingly big and seemingly impossible. But God has a long, long, history of calling ordinary men and women to do extraordinary things.

We need to ‘listen’ and be aware of the subtle requests that God nudges us to do. It is NOT our life, we are on loan to God, and we can’t forget that God has plans for us that are bigger than our own. The same is true for our children.

Our kids and our plans can’t be driven by our ambition or pride, because it’s not about us. EGO is Edging God Out, and we can’t do that as Christians.

God will empower us to see beyond our own lives, to see the needs of those around us and to give us the strength and courage to act boldly!

Podcast Link: https://soundcloud.com/brilliantlybrave/brilliantly-brave-episode-1-patti-garibay

#4 The Danger of Self-Reliance:

Being perceived as “strong” and above it all is a huge temptation for parents in the church to try and project. The reality is, we’re not. We can’t handle it all by ourselves. We need help and we need encouragement, and we need support from other believers.

Parenting is more than a project to complete, it’s a sacred assignment to be guarded and stewarded well. Part of stewarding our parenting role is to surround ourselves with wise counsel and experience from those who have gone before us.

Living self-reliant as a parent can result in the spiritual death of your kids! Don’t do it. Jesus never called us to be ‘good’ – but Holy. Good is what we do, Holy is what He does. Christian Karma is when we start ‘comparing’ our good/bad behavior with others and rely on our being ‘better’ than other people.

Values based parenting vs. Rules based – the difference is all about what we parent from… fear or love.

What is our goal as a parent? To deliver a ‘good’ kid at 18 years of age, without having premarital sex, or having tried alcohol or drugs? Or is it to love them unconditionally and help them discover their identity as God created them to be?

Podcast Link: https://soundcloud.com/brilliantlybrave/ep30-dean-diehl

#5 Single Parents and the Church: 

One-third of all households are led by a single parent. Today’s single parents are struggling to engage with the church and with their faith. Being ‘alone’ and unsupported by the Christian culture is something solo parents often ‘feel,’ no matter what a local community of faith might project.

The battle for single parents to raise their children to be responsible and well-balanced citizens, provide for their well-being, and keep up with all of the myriad of demands that life throws at us is impossible. They are overwhelmed by it all in the best of circumstances.

The role of church in coming along side of single parents has largely been in question. Many single parents feel abandoned or judged by the church and lack the confidence to enter the doors of a church to ask for help. The need for single parent spiritual support and practical assistance is only growing. How the church responds now will be a significantly positive or negative impact for the next generation of parents.

Podcast Link: https://soundcloud.com/brilliantlybrave/ep59-nikki-leonti-edgar

Parenting Essential #4 – The Danger of Self – Reliance

Essential #4 – The DANGER of Self-reliance: 

Living independently as a parent could be dangerous, may even result in the spiritual death of your kids. A paraphrase from our Podcast interview with Professor Dean Diehl, Podcast season 2.

Being perceived as “strong” and above it all is a huge temptation for parents in the church to try to project everything’s OK. The reality is, we’re not. We can’t handle everything by ourselves, we are going to need help and encouragement. As parents we all need support, especially from other believers.

Parenting is more than a project to complete, it’s a sacred assignment to be guarded and  well protected. Part of stewarding our parenting role is to surround ourselves with wise counsel and experience from those who have gone before us.

Source – Pexels.com

The culture is always pushing into our parenting practices, we have to protect ourselves from its influences and recognize how it redirects us from living as authentic examples of faith. Society will urge us to deny our weakness and project how mature and strong we are as parents, we can be duped into expending tremendous energy to present our families as a ‘success’.

As Christian parents, what are the goals we want set for our kids… Why?

The influence of our culture pushes us to quantify our successes with material and or secular measurements rather than spiritual dimensions. “What is our goal as a parent? To deliver a ‘good’ kid at 18 years of age, without having premarital sex, having tried alcohol or drugs? Or is it to love them unconditionally and help them discover their identity as God created them to be?”

This podcast interview digs deep and asks some hard questions for parents to consider, questions we all need to answer carefully and honestly.

If you’re struggling with the enormity of parenthood, you are not alone. We can walk through this together or forge ahead alone. To see our kids hearts won for Christ, we will have to adjust our approach and align ourselves with the way God works and reject the way our world insists we go.

Interview Information:

Brilliantly Brave Parenting Podcast Link: https://soundcloud.com/brilliantlybrave/ep30-dean-diehl

YouTube Link: https://youtu.be/j1qf4IoZrws

Website Link: https://brilliantlybraveparenting.com/dean-diehl/

Some key thoughts / quotes from our interview:

“Self – reliance as a parent will get your kids killed (Spiritually)”

“Jesus never called us to be ‘good’ – But Holy. Good is what we do, Holy is what He does.”

“Christian Karma is when we start ‘comparing’ our good/bad behavior with others, and rely on our being ‘better’ than other people.”

“Selling salvation is one of the great failures of the evangelical church over the past century. We’ve tried to ‘sell’ the gospel – and we’re not called to sell the gospel – it’s not a sales proposition – it’s an offer of life.”

“Values based parenting vs. Rules based – the difference is all about what we parent from, fear or love.”

“What is our goal as a parent? To deliver a ‘good’ kid at 18 years of age, without having premarital sex, having tried alcohol or drugs? Or is it to love them unconditionally and help them discover their identity as God created them to be?”

“Fear of missing out – is one of the key marketing approaches in our modern society – it shouldn’t be a Christian parenting or church principle.”

About Dean Diehl: Assistant Professor at Trevecca Nazarene University and Senior VP at Provident Music Group. Trevecca is a private Christian liberal arts college in Nashville, TN. Founded in 1901, Trevecca’s mission is “a Christian community providing education for leadership and service.”

Dean Diehl is the director of their music business program. Diehl joined Trevecca in 2008 after pursuing a 20-year career in the music industry where he worked as the senior vice president of Provident Music Group, helping to shape the careers of well-known artists such as Casting Crowns, Third Day and Michael W. Smith. He and his wife live in Mt. Juliet, Tenn., where he grew up, and have four daughters and three grandchildren.

 

 

Essential #2 for Parents

  1. Self-Care Essentials: When was the last time you invested in yourself as a parent ? (This Blog post is 2 of 5 in a series developed from the podcast series, Brilliantly Brave Parenting with special guest Paige Clingenpeel – season 5)

Parenting is exhausting, the idea that we can just persevere through it is a bit simplistic, in time we all run ‘dry’.

We need to rest. We need to recharge and refocus.

As parents we can’t give what we don’t have, our modeling and ability to teach our kids will be profoundly impacted by the energy we have to give them.

Listening is a huge part of parenting, “listening is the key to starting communication” both with our kids and our spouses. It conveys the reality of love and respect unlike any other behavior. We can’t listen without some energy, it’s exhausting to be ‘in the moment’ with our kids. We often lack the ‘bandwidth’ to be with our kids after a hard day of work.

Source – Pexels.com

Listening and being available for our kids is one of the hardest things we can ever attempt to do on a regular basis. Our lives are so full and busy, we need to practice ‘self-care’ if we ever hope to be fresh and focused for our parenting responsibilities.

Self-Care requires healthy habits, resting well at night, making space in our schedules to spend time with our families, watching our diet and exercise, and of course saying ‘no’ to other things to be sure we’re involved with our kids. We can’t offer what we don’t have.

Jesus modeled this idea when he would retreat from the crowds and the disciples to go apart and pray. He would withdraw to the mountains as often as he could, knowing the essential nature of rest and refreshment spiritually, physically, emotionally. We are no different.

Podcast Link: https://soundcloud.com/brilliantlybrave/reality-with-teens-ep44-paige-clingenpeel

YouTube Link: https://youtu.be/TBaUkmOy2QA

Notes and Quotes from our Podcast Interview with Paige:

  • Topic: “Self-Care” and Parenting-Self-care seems selfish, but it’s actually essential for parents to make time to recharge.
  • Modeling behaviors like ‘respect’ and love’ are vital for parents to show their kids
  • Listening is the ‘key’ to starting communication.
  • Parents need to not only take time for themselves, but they need to cultivate a trustworthy group of friends and mentors to gain perspective and encouragement from.
  • Surround yourself with truth-seekers and truth-speakers.
  • Self-care is creating space for God

About Paige Clingenpeel; LMHC 

A mental health therapist with extensive experience in working with families, Paige has a passion for those in the middle of parenting pre-teens and teens, Paige offers an encouraging perspective for parents who are feeling worn out. Her insights and speaking engagements are welcomed nationally at youth retreats and ministry events. Mother of four kids herself, Paige’s advice is formed from her own practical life experiences.

Check out Paige’s podcast interview and find out ‘whats going on in your kids head!”

Find out more: Paigeclingenpeel.com / TrendsandTeens.com / iMom.com

Brilliantly Brave Parenting Podcast

This is blog post 2 of 5, in our “Essentials of Parenting” series.

Futureshock

5 Essentials Every Parent Needs to Know ! (from the Brilliantly Brave Parenting Podcasts) 

  1. Do you know what Futureshock is and how it directly impacts every family and the modern church? (the following quotes are from Bishop Dan Scott Ph.D. – A Season 5 podcast guest)

“This generation of parents in the church are struggling with more than a simple ‘generation gap’. They … ‘we’ are struggling with ‘Futureshock “. A displacement of reality in which life is only focused on the present, and constantly being redefined by the moment. This lack of stability and constancy creates a state of constant flux for parents.”

A long-range result of the age of ‘enlightenment is the demystification of time, we are trapped in meaninglessness.”

“To offset these cultural instabilities, we must locate ourselves in the space where something exists outside of the time in which we are. This will anchor you to something tangible and true.”

“What we are aiming for as Christian parents is timelessness, not relevance.”

Interview and Blog Links:

https://brilliantlybraveparenting.com/rev-dan-scott-ph-d/ – Website Episode

https://soundcloud.com/brilliantlybrave/ep57-bishop-dan-scott – Podcast

BBP Commentary:

Clearly as parents in a shifting moral landscape we are going to need to anchor ourselves and our kids to something ‘greater’ than ourselves.

The traditions of the church and our Christian faith provide a powerful resource for parents and pastors to utilize. These long-established Disciplines of devotion (Scripture reading, prayer, bible study, worship, following the yearly church calendar, Eucharist)  offer a way for us to be reminded of the truth of our biblical heritage. The constant remembrance of how BIG GOD is, and how the values of our world do not match with the values of scripture.

Attending church regularly isn’t just a religious thing to do, it’s a biblical thing to do. It shows our kids we value the church, we seek out the fellowship of other believers, and we make every effort to worship the creator, not the creation. These weekly habits will allow for the truth to sink deeply into the hearts of every child, and it will anchor them to something and someone greater than themselves.

The idea that our world is only able to process the moment, that ‘today’ is all that really matters… is a huge insight into the forces that are urging us along. We need to pull ourselves and then our families and congregations out of this flow of the immediate and anchor ourselves to the truth of our Christian heritage and faith.

What we believe is real and tangible, it transcends the immediate and ties us to something ancient and enduring, something that can stabilize us in the rough and tumble moments of modern life.

Co – Host of the Brilliantly Brave Parenting Podcast, Pastor Brad Mathias.

Find out about the 4 other essentials every parent should know… weekly at BrilliantlyBraveParenting.com

Faithful is He who called you.

“Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.” (KJV) 

Parenting is one of the most significant ‘calling’s we will ever be honored to embrace. In the stress and struggle of crazy Holiday schedules and family…it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. It’s normal to wonder if you’re ‘fit’ for the duty of being a parent at all.

Let me humbly seek to encourage you and remind you of the bedrock strong promises of God that back us up. We’re not in this all by ourselves, God has not left us alone and unsupported. He promises to work on our behalf, to finish what we started despite our ability to keep it all going on our own.

What a relief! God didn’t just call us into this parenting adventure, He is the one who guarantees the outcome. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 is an anchor to the soul of every parent floundering in the treacherous waters of self-condemnation and doubt. 

Parents! We’re not going to get it right every time. We’re going to fail and flop along the way.

It’s true, none of us are ‘perfect’ parents, and we’re not going to raise ‘perfect‘ kids. Our expectations and pride need to be just a wee bit lower and our reliance on God a whole lot higher! 

We’re all faced with the reality of our ‘human’ shortcomings, the emotional outbursts, anger, anxiety attacks, and frustrations…but in the end we’re backed up by something much bigger and better than ‘us’. It’s time to cut ourselves and our kids some ‘slack’ and enjoy the moments and individuals we have in front us.

Don’t miss your family time today! We can easily be robbed with distractions and discontent. We can get stuck longing for the good old days long past or in planning ferociously to make sure we have a better ‘tomorrow’.  We all need to do our best to live contented, to live with awareness and try to be ‘present’ in the preciousness of today. 

So… for parents handling the strain and stress of the Holidays, relax. Your kids and family have been personally ordained by God as perfect for you, and you for them. There are no mistakes in God’s order of life, He hand picks and places us in the exact situations and circumstances that will best serve our growth and development. He’s all about the end result, and in the messy – in-between we can rely on His ability to finish what He started in us and through us.

This post is meant to be an encouraging and timely reminder to rest in the promises of God for your kids and home.

This Thanksgiving and Christmas, lets renew our commitment to enjoy the moments we have together, maybe it’s time to put our phones down and focus intensely on those directly around us… God after all has only placed them in our path for a season.

Blessings,

Pastor Brad.

Scripture Source – BibleHub.com

Breaking the Isolation Epidemic

According to a recent study at the Barna Group, (Trends 2018) some of us are suffering in isolation more than others. If you’re feeling alone and struggling to have steady friendships, it appears you are part of a trend that’s growing in the church. Christian men and Christian Pastors are especially prone to suffer through their days without support. According to Barna, 1 in 5 are in it alone, doing much of life by themselves.

Americans Are Friendly But Lonely
T
he majority of adults has anywhere between two and five close friends (62%), but one in five regularly or often feels lonely. Those who report the highest levels of loneliness are single, male, young and likely earning a lower-income. (Barna Group – Trends ’18 Study

According to Barna’s latest study, women have less trouble forming and keeping friendships but men struggle. Young men not in college scored the highest on the loneliness scale, but church attenders overall scored badly on their diversity of friends and relationships.

You can see how valuable and essential the local church becomes in addressing these issues. There are a lot of ministries that focus on single parents, moms, and youth… but what about the adult – unmarried – man?  Not many churches have a dedicated ministry to guys who are unmarried, and not in college.

There are others in our services who don’t fit in. Some churches are only republican. Some are only democratic. Some are only independent. All are tempted to engage only those they look like and talk like. This should not be.

The church risks becoming a haven for  -like – attracts- like – kind – of place. Where diversity of thought, appearance, or opinion isn’t all that , so people who don’t feel like they will fit – don’t even try.

To be fair, it is much easier to only engage those we understand, and we avoid those who take an extra effort. But it’s not the model Christ demonstrated for us. He went to Samaria. He chose to forgive the woman caught in adultery, and to invest three years of his life and privacy to the tempestuous disciples who smelled of fish and sweat. 

The community of Faith needs to see the bigger picture of our mission with Christ. We’re not trying to live as clones of each other, avoiding the odd and inscrutable among us, instead we need to appreciate and value the unique and eccentric we encounter. These are the very human people we read about in scripture, these are the precious lives that God has plans to use.

The gospel of Jesus is bigger than us. Bigger than our comfort zones and life experiences, the Spirit of God transcend generations and politics, and expands beyond grey haired married couples to spill out to our singles and young adults without a hesitation or hiccup. 

Let’s all agree to stop next Sunday at church and look around the room. Ask God to direct your attention to someone who made the service, but doesn’t quite fit in. Go sit with them. Make them feel wanted and welcome. Buy them lunch – or meet them later for coffee. Invest your best into these isolated and lonely, they are tomorrow’s leaders and Gods children.

Oh… and stop thinking you’re a Christian “republican” or a Christian “democrat”… God doesn’t poll red or blue. We’re followers of Christ first and last, the US American – Political game should not be allowed to divide or isolate those of us with passionate and differing opinions.

God is bigger than our national election, don’t allow the powers that be to manipulate your emotions into rejecting one group for the sake of another. 

The cross of Christ broke down all our barriers and split the walls that kept us isolated by social and educational standing, race, politics, or economic status.  He calls us all to be His disciples. Our allegiance is to Him first and foremost. The rest can sort itself out in the knowledge of His presence. 

Our services this week shouldn’t be a time to divide over regional policies or national politics, but a time to unite around the truth of the gospel and the promise of peace. He is all about the reconciliation of all things back to Him, back to the way they were always intended to be. Shouldn’t we strive for the same?

Our children will follow in our steps… let’s be careful where we walk.

Blessings,

Pastor B.

Scripture Reference from BibleGateway.com: Ephesians 2: 17 And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. 18 For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father.19 So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, 21 in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. 22 In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

Whose Am I ?

I’ve been on a pastoral sabbatical.

A rare 3 months to rest and unwind my mind and body from the rigors of bi-vocational service. I still have my ‘day’ job to keep up with, but I’ve been allowed to step back for twelve weeks to catch my spiritual breath. A first for me.

Sounds great! A chance to let go of some of the extra  commitments and obligations that come with pastoring a small church… but it’s actually been ridiculously hard. My free time has stretched me in ways I’ve never felt before and revealed areas of my life that needed to be attended to.

When I slow down, I fidget. I get uncomfortable and anxious without something to do, somewhere to be. When I stop, I have time to think… and when I stop moving I feel less important, less necessary…less needed.

Specifically… I lose my sense of value and purpose without running 100 mph every day. After decades of racing through life.. .this sabbatical has raised the proverbial hood of my souls engine and forced me to see what’s ticking underneath the drive to do and be more.

God is gently pushing me to re-examine my life, to take a survey of my identity. Where do I draw my value from? How do I see myself as a person as a man? Stuff I’ve not had to wrestle with for a very long time, issues that I never anticipated have become very much a part of my daily dialogue with God. He’s asking the hard stuff in my ‘down’ time. Just like Jesus did with His disciples, the questions reveal the areas of our life that need to be restored and renewed.

How about you? Have you had to wrestle with where you draw your identity from? As parents it’s appropriate to consider yourself as a mom or dad first. To take comfort in the role you’ve been appointed by God as a sacred trust. Caretaker, teacher, friend, and mentor to your kids. Those duties and obligations often push other commitments and pursuits away, and fill our lives with the daily work of family. 

For dads, we may find ourselves focused on our role as provider and defender. Taking our identity from our ability to work and earn a living. We draw our strength and value from the paycheck and security we provide our homes, and as we gain financial stability our self-esteem begins to keep pace. It feels good enough to our fragile egos  to seduce us into working ‘all the time’.

For pastors, lay-leaders and church ministry volunteers: the role we fill as teachers and shepherds can overshadow who we are. Our commitments to serve the body of Christ are noble and self-sacrificing, dutiful and sacred in their own right. We can gain self-importance and significance in our leadership roles and over time those strengths can become a part of our ‘false‘ self. A propping up of our self-worth and self-esteem with the external affirmation and encouragement of those we lead, a temporary fix that won’t work long-term. It’s the same core heart issue as the workaholic dad, but dressed up as ‘ministry’.

All of this is normal and predictable. Mothers gain their strength from the health of their family, dads from the financial contributions they bring, and pastors from the size of the congregations they serve…but there will be a time in each of our lives when those externals will be challenged by events and circumstances outside of our control. 

For parents, our kids will eventually grow and move out. The empty nest is a test for the marriage and identity of both parents, especially moms.

For dads, the career sacrifices and endless struggle to contribute to the bottom line will dry up or go completely away. The stress of being in-between work or career is life changing and carves deeply into the confidence and value of a man’s self-esteem.

For pastors, the expansion or contraction of their church body will temp them to feel good or bad about their performance as a spiritual leader, and in doing so falsely inflate or deflate their self-esteem based on a limited understanding of God and His faithfulness in spite of us.

The struggle is real. Where do we draw our confidence from? Who defines us? Where can I go to discover the truth about ‘me’? 

When I prayed over this and studied the scriptures multiple truths emerged. One question I was asked in prayer was this… Whose am I”? 

Am I ‘God’s man… or man’s man?

Am I focused and intent to spend my energy in knowing Him, of being in His presence? Am I more concerned with His feelings about my life or other people?

Whose… Am I?

Am I my wifes man?  Am I my bosses man? Am I my kids man? Do the people I lead love me? Do I only consider my own desires, or do I surrender my plans for God’s? ?

What I think He’s asking us all is this. Am I God’s man? 

The question is more than rhetorical. My identity is going to be very strongly associated with where my energy is directed and my focus maintained. Where my ‘treasure’ is, there my heart will be also, and my sense of self-worth will flow from that fountain – good or bad.

I notice that when I keep my heart and mind open to God’s daily & hourly whispers… I am at peace and looking for His direction on which step to take next. When I allow God to fill my awareness, I shrink and He grows.

The truth of being an adopted son and joint heir with Christ begins to take root and grow. My need to be seen and heard is stifled and the fears and insecurities fade. The weight of my life is shifted from my shoulders to His hands.  I can rest and I can trust in something much bigger than me.

Taking time to ponder and pray is more than a luxury of a sabbatical, it’s an essential process we all need. The struggle to slow down and simplify although difficult at first, has become an essential lesson for me. It has allowed for the deeper issues of the heart to be noticed, considered, and addressed.

God is active in my sabbatical; He’s pruning me. Preparing me  for a future with bigger fruit and more abundant living. He’s also rewiring me from measuring those things with the models of success that our world so strongly endorses. 

He uses the cross of Christ and an invisible Kingdom as His measuring stick and the presence of Peace in our turbulent existence  as proof it’s all for real.

Pastor B.

PS (the use of ‘man’ in this blog is not meant as sexist, simply as a generic term for mankind)